| Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway | |
|---|---|---|---|
| Years when I lived there | 1993-1998 | 1999-2004 | 2004- |
| Population | almost 2 million | about 1 million | about 500 thousand |
| Population of entire country | about 30 million | about 30 million | 4.5 million |
| Status | Largest city in Québec, second-largest in Canada | Largest city in BC, third-largest in Canada | Capital of Norway |
| Dominant languages | English, French | English, Cantonese | Norwegian (Bokmål), Norwegian (Nynorsk) |
| Feeling | Multicultural urban center | Multicultural urban center | Multicultural urban center |
| Demographic | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Age of people you see in the street | All ages | late 20s and up | Strictly between 22 and 29 |
| Number of universities | 4 | 2 | 1 |
| How often you see pregnant women at IKEA | Dunno, never been | Didn't see any | All the time! |
| Visibly homeless people? | Yes, not so many in winter | Yes!! year round | maybe one or two |
| Politics | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Ridiculous foreign policy stance | Québec should separate from Canada; Montréal should separate from Québec | BC is not part of Canada | Norway should not join the EU |
| Ridiculous belief | One day we will separate, and when that day comes, we will keep on partying as before | Who needs nightlife when there's mountains and beaches | I can afford an apartment and a car |
| Many foreigners? | Yes, especially if you consider Anglophones foreigners | Yes! Lots of Asians | Yes, lots of German tourists in summer |
| If a foreigner in your store can't speak the local language... | Which local language? | If they don't speak any Cantonese, try out your rudimentary Mandarin | Dust off your high school English. Be appropriately apologetic when you can't remember a basic word like "incontrovertibly" or "mantelpiece". |
| Locals like white foreigners? | Yes, if they speak French. Though not if they actually are French. | Yes, as long as they buy something | Yes. Would like them more if they didn't constantly take advantage of our excellent English. |
| Locals like nonwhite foreigners? | Depends. It helps if they speak French. | No, they drive up the price of real estate. | Only insofar as they are willing to do menial jobs for half the market rate. |
| Free speech | Yes, as long as it's in French. | Yes, as long as it doesn't offend anybody. | Yes, but it's highly taxed. Just kidding. |
| Elections | Every 15 years or so, Québec almost votes to separate from Canada. Montréalers are too busy partying to go vote, so separatists blame the loss on them. | Municipal, provincial, federal. Federal? What's that eh? Pass the doobie. | Hopefully soon, so they lower the liquor tax |
| Corruption | Qui, moi!? | yes (every BC premier in recent history), but don't forget to be appropriately scandalized every time a new scandal breaks | Given the taxes people pay, someone better be skimming something off the top |
| If you are poor, can you ever win in court against a rich guy? | Yes | Yes | It's Europe. People aren't constantly taking each other to court. |
| Racist nationalists | Some | Racism? That's not nice. | Some |
| TV/Radio | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| TV | English, French, American, one aboriginal channel. You need cable which costs money. | Same, less French stuff. Digital cable TV recently introduced. | Cable is included in rent. You get a few Norwegian, 2 Swedish, 1 Danish, and several English-language channels. Digital is also available if you pay for it. |
| # of public channels | CBC, SRC, CPAC, maybe local community access channel? Maybe an American one? | ditto | Most of them are? |
| Most popular sport on TV | hockey | hockey | ski jumping |
| Radio | English and French. Lots of commercial stations, maybe 4 public ones, several campus radio stations. Public stations have minimum quotas of Canadian content. At least one radio show featuring shouts-out to prison inmates. | English, French, at least one Chinese. Lots of commercial stations, maybe 4 public ones, campus radio if you live close to a campus. Public stations have minimum quotas of Canadian content. | Mostly crap. However, you can catch some BBC broadcasts on one of the public stations. Also, Radio France Inter seems to have its own station. |
| Digital radio? | Not when I lived there | Maybe if you order digital TV | Yes, broadcast over the air like analog radio. Haven't tried it yet. |
| German heavy metal bands on the radio? | No | Maybe late at night on campus radio | Yup |
| Food | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Food | Cheap, plentiful, greasy | Expensive, except for cheap sushi and fast-food Chinese. Groceries are also expensive, making eating out justifiable. Exotic Asian supermarkets featuring items like shrinkwrapped pig's uteri. There's not much to do in this town besides eating out so people know their food. | Restaurants are really expensive. Supermarkets are small and expensive but the food is decent quality. Fruits and veggies are a luxury. |
| Sucks if you're not into | Lebanese fast food joints | Asian cuisine | bread, cheese, or fish |
| Food fad | pizza slice price wars | "organic" everything | balsamic vinegar |
| Spicy food | Yes: great cheap Thai places | Oh god yes | Um...no |
| Blue collar daily food | poutine (french fries with melted cheese curds and gravy) | cheap sushi | hotdog from 7-11 |
| Surprisingly good local food | smoked meat poutine | random Asian fast food place down the street | dizzying array of Norwegian candy bars |
| Terrible local food | hey, if it cost less than 1$ what do you want? | breakfast at Denny's | varmpølse (hotdog from 7-11 or Narvesen) wrapped in bacon |
| Questionable food trends | pizza slices obviously sold at a loss | "organic" everything | Disposeable barbequeing devices that smell like burning plastic. Especially in the park in the summer when there are 5000 of them going at once. |
| Foods I ate a lot of at first but then got tired of | ridiculously cheap pizza slices | Chinese fast food | brunost (sweet brown goat cheese, tastes kind of like chocolate) |
| Foods I ate a lot of and could eat all the time for the rest of my life | falafel | tuna sashimi | pickled herring in mustard sauce |
| Food you always hear about but people barely ever actually eat | 69 cent hot-dog steamé | Shark's fin soup | lutefisk (gelatinous fish that has been treated with lye) |
| What you don't have to pay for at a Chinese restaurant | tea and fortune cookies | tea and maybe a soup or some orange slices | water |
| Fat people | Yes, but not so many as in the U.S. | Yes, but they rarely venture out onto the street | Almost none |
| Booze | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Pint of beer at a pub | 2-3 USD | 3-5 USD | 7+ USD |
| Booze sold in grocery stores? | Beer, bad wine. Rest sold in government liquor stores. | No. Must go to government liquor store. If that is closed, must go to overpriced licensed Beer & Wine store. | Many brands of identical tasting pilsner sold in 0.5L aluminum cans with beautifully designed graphics |
| Government regulates booze consumption? | Yes, but it's pretty lax. You can drink in the park provided you also have "food" (case of beer and bag of chips is OK) | Yes! Liquor licenses handed out very sparingly. (Vancouver had Prohibition long before the US did.) | Yes!!! You can't buy beer after 8PM (6PM on Saturdays, no sales on Sundays). (Norway had Prohibition before anyone else on the planet.) |
| Drinking on the street | If you insist, but other places are more comfortable | Yes, by shopping cart people all day. | Yes, while moving from one party to the next |
| Drinking on public transit | Yes, but only on St.-Jean-Baptiste day. | What public transit? | No |
| Drinking in parks | Yes, it's called a picnic | No | Yes, by groups of marginalized-looking middle aged folks |
| Alcoholism | yes, it's called having a social life | yes, but mostly aboriginal people | yes, about half the population |
| Drinking culture | Go out drinking every night while your paycheque lasts | Not really | No drinking during the week, massive binge drinking all weekend |
| Fake English pubs | No, mostly fake Irish pubs | ditto | Yes! They're called "brown" pubs (coz they're brown, get it?) |
| Local alcohol product | Fin du Monde (strong beer) | homebrewed beer | Beer smuggled from Sweden |
| Smoking weed | Yes | Yes! All the time! Well maybe not at work. | No |
| Talking about smoking weed | Yes, to find out who has some | Only incidentally. You wouldn't want to offend some foreigner who doesn't smoke weed. | No |
| Work / Play | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Typical amount of vacation time, per year | 2 weeks | 2 weeks | at least 5 weeks |
| Working on weekends? | Yes | Sometimes | No |
| When going out at night, you leave the house at | round about midnight | eight or nine -- early enough to be home before midnight | not before midnight |
| Shopping | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| While waiting for customer to find correct change: | hold out hand impatiently | Smile, urge customer to take his time | hold out hand impatiently |
| Upon receiving correct change from customer: | Take the money, hand out receipt, bag merchandise, move on to next customer | Thank customer thoroughly, hand out receipt, bag merchandise | Ask customer if he wants a receipt. Give out a bag if one has been paid for. |
| When asking for a product in a store: | Say "please" if you're polite | Always, always, always say "please" | There is no word for "please" |
| Customer service? | yes (within reason) | yes! (apologize to customer even if he's the one who screwed up) | no (shrug / look at customer with helpless bewilderment / refer customer to someone who is on vacation) |
| Girls | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Going up to girls on the street and trying to pick them up | Sure, but other places are less awkward | Absolutely not | Only while drunk |
| Fashion is important? | Yes. Unless recently arrived from English Canada. | Yes, but only if she's Asian | Yes! Except everybody dresses the same. |
| sweatpants? | No, unless recently arrived from English Canada | Yup: baby blue, turquoise, pink. Occasionally terry-cloth. | No!! |
| really tight pants? | sometimes | no, it's hard to bike or rock climb in tight pants | yes!! no such thing as too tight! |
| Apparent age vs. actual age | About the same | About the same | Apparent age is 5-10 years less than actual age |
| Stripper bars | Yes, lots and lots of them | Yes, a handful | There's supposed to be one somewhere |
| Housing | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Need to supply references in order to rent apartment? | No | Yes | No, three months' rent deposit will do |
| Landlord will fix things when they break? | Maybe, if you're lucky | No. It's your apartment, you fix it. | Yes, immediately |
| Who is responsible for keeping the building clean? | Landlord | Landlord | You have to wash the stairs on your floor once a week. You can also hire a professional stair washer to do it for you. |
| Smell of apartment buildings | Unmistakeable mushroomy smell, same in every building in the city. | Very faint damp smell, marijuana smell | Clean plaster/wood smell |
| Typical apartment building | Former elegant bourgeois family home, has seen better days. Wood frame with grey or brown stone out front. Level surfaces somewhat tilted on closer inspection. Steep wooden staircase with wrought-iron railing leading to main floor. Early 1900's? | Large 3-level apartment building with 4th level penthouse. Wood frame with chintzy "stucco" or wooden outer surface. All straight edges somewhat wavy on closer inspection. All outer surfaces covered with a thin layer of moss/mould. 1960's. | Old-school European apartment building, 5 levels, brick with stucco finish. Neighbouring buildings share messy inner courtyard. Late 1800's? |
| Favourite weird apartment building feature | Hinged, spring-loaded fire escape stairs outside building, automatically swing back up after you walk down them. Can also be used as a porch. Probably don't work for small children, owing to minimum weight required to make them swing down. | Toilet in laundry room, useful when you've run out of toilet paper | Main entrance to courtyard is paved lengthwise with massive ancient wooden boards |
| Favourite standard apartment building feature | Carved wooden door frames that have been painted over by several generations of cheap landlords, but still manage to look good | Lane out back where ratty furniture can be found / thrown out / replaced | Stained-glass windows in staircase |
| Transportation | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Best way to get around town | Metro | Car | Walking |
| Taxi base cost | 60 cents? | $1.10? | $20 |
| Drivers obey traffic lights etc. | Rarely | Always | Usually |
| Use right lane except to pass? | Sure, whatever | Over my dead body! | Yes, obviously |
| Typical car | rusty Honda Accord | serviceable Toyota 4-Runner | New station wagon. Norwegians love station wagons. |
| Local word for car | "char" (literally: tank) | "vehicle" (it's not a car, it's a truck!) | "bil" |
| Who rides mopeds: | nobody, mopeds are gay | aging hipsters riding painstakingly restored Vespas | young women riding practical Hondas |
| Motorcycles? | Yes. Enjoy them while it's not snowing | Not so great in the rain | Yes. Many different kinds of motorcycles, motorbikes, mopeds |
| Commuting by bicycle is cool because: | it costs nothing | it's my religion! car drivers must burn in hell! | everybody else does it |
| Trendy bicycle | beat-up ten-speed | fully geeked-out touring bike | expensive mountain bike with full suspension |
| Trendy bicycle accessory | seat | $500 rechargeable lighting system | fat cable lock |
| Biking in winter | it can be done | yes, involves fluorescent yellow rain gear | yes, involves studded tires |
| Drivers respect cyclists? | No, drivers respect nothing | No, drivers are stupid and incompent and stoned | No, drivers are aggressive |
| On spotting a pedestrian: | Accelerate, in case the pedestrian gets it into his mind to attempt crossing | Come to a complete stop, in case the pedestrian would like to cross | Wait for pedestrian to start crossing, then accelerate rapidly, cutting him off |
| Street | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Eye contact with people walking towards you? | Yes! | Absolutely not | Only if you're checking them out |
| Street tables | Yes, separated from sidewalk | Sometimes, crammed together on the sidewalk | Yes! |
| People selling stuff on the street | Yes, in touristy areas | Yes, drug addicts selling stolen crap downtown | Yes, on the touristy shopping street |
| squeegee punks | Yes | Yes, imported from Québec | No |
| Weeds growing on sidewalk | Only in marginal neighbourhoods | No | Yes! Everywhere! |
| Lanes/alleys | Yes, but nothing to do there | Yes! Full of perfectly functioning stuff that people got bored of and threw out | No |
| Guys with no shirts on | Not so much | No | Yes! |
| Society | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Weird local English word | "dep" (abbreviation of "dépanneur", convenience store) | "parkade" (parking garage) | "administrate" (administer) |
| Violent crime blamed on: | biker gangs | Hindu gangs | Somali immigrants |
| Fear of the police? | Yes, they killed a guy once | No | Yes, the fines are astronomical |
| Low-income people | Locals: relax. Foreigners: work their asses off | Locals: sell stuff they found in the lane. Foreigners: build up vast retail empires from nothing | Locals: are invisible. Foreigners: work their asses off, send money home |
| People with visibly too much money: | park their Ferraris outside fashionable restaurants | drive their souped-up BMWs to school | own new SUVs |
| Guy haircut | rat tail | "messy" look via careful application of hair product | mid-length hair gelled and combed forward with a ridge raised in the middle. every single guy has this haircut. |
| Talking in public places | Loud and animated | Medium-loud | Quiet |
| Would you ever consider living up North? | "god no, you could freeze up there" | "lived there as a kid, I'm done with that now" | "sure, went to college there and it was beautiful" |
| Cell phones | yes | yes. double yes if Asian and female. | yes!! One for home, one for work, and one for on the road |
| Ugly people? | Some, mainly on Ste.-Catherine E. | Lots of really ugly unhealthy looking people: in supermarkets, on buses, everywhere | Almost no really ugly people, except on Karl Johann |
| Employment | Montréal, Québec | Vancouver, BC | Oslo, Norway |
| Day job of random girl you're talking to | stripper | environmental consultant | social worker |
| Day job of random guy you're talking to | bartender | stunt man | graphic designer |
| Jobs hard to find? | Yes, but you can live off welfare | Not if you're self-employed | Yes, and living off welfare will cramp your style |
| Students survive by | working part-time and in the summers | working part-time and in the summers and living with their parents | taking out massive interest-free government loans |
| Sketchy jobs people do to make money | Pharmaceutical company guinea pig | Pot grower/dealer | Art thief |